


top 5 reasons Peter Quill hates the grocery store

by Daisy_PoisonPen



Category: Ant-Man (Movies), Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Crack, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Gen, Humor, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-13
Updated: 2019-12-18
Packaged: 2020-10-17 11:22:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 6,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20620208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daisy_PoisonPen/pseuds/Daisy_PoisonPen
Summary: quill hasn't been in a grocery store since he was 8.too much has changed.*shudder*





	1. white strawberries

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ElisaPhoenix](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElisaPhoenix/gifts).

**1- white strawberries**

“Ugh stay in bed with me.” Quill rolled over and dragged his boyfriend back under the covers, moaning at all the luscious skin that his hands found themselves roaming. He pressed his face into the former thief’s neck, trying to go back to sleep.

“I wish I could, baby, but I’m hungry.” Scott untangled himself from his lover and dragged himself out of the bed and stretched. His muscles twinged deliciously as he pushed his hands toward the ceiling and his back arched, placing his ass right under Quill’s outstretched hand.

Quill grumbled. “Fine but I want to shower with you,” he said, his hands massaging the perfectly soft-but-muscled, perfectly symmetrical, perfectly creamy ass cheeks. Internally, he thanked anyone that was listening for them.

Scott smacked his hand away, but he was half-hard. “I’ll never leave.”

“Exactly,” the space traveller grumbled.

“Okay. How about you shower with me and have your way with me, but then we both go to the grocery store together?”

“Deal.”

“Leave the lube! Do you  _ remember  _ what happened  _ last time? _ ”

~

After a shower that was better than wonderful for both of them but left them running a little late for breakfast--or brunch even, or actually, lunch, they finally got dressed and Scott drove them to the grocery store where most of the Avengers did their shopping.

“Wow,” Quill muttered, glancing around at the people trying to park, moms unloading their kids from their expensive SUVs and mini-vans, and the people scrambling around the parking lot trying to pick up or ditch their carts, or get to or from their cars. “This is radically different than what I remember from the last time I went to the grocery store.”

“What? How long has it been since you went to a grocery store?”

“I mean, on Earth, in America? I was eight.”

“Whoa. Well, stay close, I guess? And I’ll show you whatever you want.”

“Okay.” Quill was still wide-eyed, but he dutifully grabbed a cart and followed Scott in the automated door marked with a green circle labeled, “Welcome” in all capital letters. Scott picked up an ad and browsed through it as he scooted around a lady with a cart that wasn’t looking where she was going. Quill growled. “Watch it,” he muttered. The lady glared at him. To Scott, he said, “were people always this rude?”

“Please don’t fight someone over me. I swear I can’t take you anywhere.”

Quill looked put-out. “Hey--look, that was one time and she was  _ flirting _ with you.”

“That lady wasn’t flirting with me.”

“She tried to run you over with a c--what are those?”

“What?” Scott glanced up from the ad and saw that Quill was frozen stock still in front of a display of berries, his expression confused. 

“I… what are those?”

Scott couldn’t help himself, he laughed. “Do you want to try them?”

“Why are the strawberries white?  _ Why are they white?! _ ”

“Wow, rude? What’s wrong with being white?”

“That’s not--that’s not what I mean, stop it! Are they not ripe? Are they like mutants--”

“No,” Scott said, cackling, “they’re just white strawberries. They are called pineberries. Want to try them?”

QUill glared at the plastic box of berries suspiciously and nodded slowly.

Scott put the box in the cart after retrieving two sweet berries, tearing the green top off of them both and handing one to Quill. “Wait ‘till you taste them.”

Quill bit into it suspiciously, chewing for a moment. Then he started cursing. “What the fuck--why--what in the actual rainbow colored--HOW IN THE SHI--”

“Quill,” Scott chastised, laughing.

_ “Why do they taste like pineapples?!” _


	2. double stuf Oreos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> quill and scott are on a mission:
> 
> heist the Oreos from the stock room

They bypassed the produce section today, although Quill still glared at it balefully as they went into the other grocery aisles.

They were buying ice cream and toppings for all of the avengers kids, who had decided to swarm the compound for movie night. Barton’s kids, Cooper, Nate, and Lila, Scott’s daughter Cassie, and Tony’s Newly Minted Starks ™ a boy and a girl named Abby and Harley (which had been in a rough situation for quite some time when Tony met them; years passed but Tony always kept tabs on Harley, providing him with a secret account of emergency money. When the kids were finally free of their terrible parents, Tony immediately had them brought to New York) were joining Peter and his best friends, Ned and MJ, in the Avengers’ theater room for an impromptu marathon of every Star Wars movie ever.

They didn’t know how much ice cream would be enough, so they went mega-sized; a few of those party-sized vanilla buckets went into the cart, along with several quarts of various flavors—chocolate, strawberry, caramel swirl, butter pecan, pistachio, and of course, the staple cookies and cream, cookie dough, and mint chip. once they had sufficiently emptied the store’s freezer, they went into the snack aisle. 

Quill stared forlornly at the tub of cookies and cream quart. “I haven’t had Oreos since I was a kid,” he lamented.

Scott smiled and practically skipped to the section of cookies. “Well, Stark’s buying,” he reasoned. Then he frowned. “UGH! Out of stock, are you kidding me? how do you run out of basic Oreos?! they’re basically a staple food—”

“It’s fine, baby,” Quill said. “I’ll have them some other time.”

“No no,” Scott said. “This is completely unacceptable. This shelf can’t be empty.” He turned to Quill, his eyes hard with determination. “You’re gonna get your Oreos.”

“W-what?!”

“I need you to cover me.”

“What? Why?!”

“Create a distraction so I can sneak into the stock room and find them.”

“Scott…”

“C’mon, feed my need to steal things and I’ll feed you cookies. Please?”

Quill sighed. “Alright, I’m on it. You’ll know your cue.”

Scott grinned maniacally.

Two aisles later, as they were picking a jar of cherries up, the one in Quill’s hand dropped to the ground and shattered and Quill hissed. “Shitt!” His hand was too red for it to be just cherry juice. He ran to the front of the store and Scott turned and snuck into the stock room. He didn’t find any basic Oreos, but he did find both original and Golden Double Stuff. He grabbed his loot and ran.

“What’s Double Stuf?” Quill asked under his breath at the check out. His hand was wrapped up but Scott could tell it had already healed.

“Oreos but with twice the stuffing.”

“That is new—I don’t remember...I need to eat them.”

“Soon,” Scott laughed. 

“Have I told you that I would die for you?”

“Not today,” Scott laughed.

“I love you and I’d do anything for you—live or die or kill, just for you. Double Stuf,” Quill muttered, “will the wonders ever cease?”


	3. blue corn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> quill has never seen blue corn chips before.

“Dad please!”

“I’m sorry baby, I’m literally gonna lose my job if I don’t finish this tomorrow.”

“You’re self-employed and an Avenger!”

“Precisely, and only part time.”

“Drag Peter with you—cajole Stephen into letting you use his credit card. He’s always mothering you anyway, he won’t say no.”

“He’s off-world today. Some dimensional crisis demands his attention.”

“Okay, what about Peter?”

“Uh, he’s patrolling.”

“On his day off? Jeez! Nat?”

“Meeting with Fury.”

Guesss that means Cap, Clint, and Sam are off doing SHIELD things too.”

“Got it in one!”

“Okay... well then text Quill and tell him to go with you.”

“Fine,” Cassie grumbled.

“I’m sorry, baby. I will help you with your Native American culture project next time, I swear it.”

Quill was suspicious of the grocery store but willing to help out his boyfriend’s daughter, so they swiped Scott’s car keys and credit card and headed to the store.

“Okay, what are you looking for?”

“Well, one of the most common foods Southwestern tribes grew was corn, as well as lots of places in Central and South America, so my job is to find as many corn products as possible. enough to feed my class.”

“Are you using this as an excuse to make tacos?”

“No but we can probably cajole Tony into a taco night if we get the supplies.”

“Yes!!”

As they went in search of their corn and taco supplies, they chit-chatted about school. Cassie admitted that she was enjoying Midtown Prep and that her friends were incredibly intelligent. And also, “I mean, Peter is super popular now but I don’t even think he realizes it or cares.”

“He probably knows it’s because he was adopted by gazillionaires.”

“Well, not just that. There are plenty of rich kids in Midtown. It’s just that Stephen used to be this amazing medical science icon and Tony is—well, he’s Tony fucking Stark. We live in the Avengers building with actual Avengers and  _ Tony Stark,  _ the best inventor of our time. They’re a power couple! The kids there practically worship them.”

“And you?”

“Well, you know me, I prefer mechanics and pick-pocketing.”

“Scotty would be proud.”

“He is. Anyway, the point of all of that is that all my friends are always trying to get me to ask Peter questions and I don’t want to because he was my best friend first. They only think he’s cute because he’s an Avengers kid, but  _ I _ actually know him. I don’t want them to just like him so shallowly.”

“Or alternatively, you’re jealous.”

Cassie screeched, her face burning. “Am not!”

“Are too. You should ask him out yourse—” Quill screeched. “God,” he muttered, his hands going to cover his face in his confusion and despair, “why are you doing this to me? What did I do wrong? Tell me and I’ll fix it.  _ Blue _ corn chips? What the fuck?! Why? really, just tell me why. I know that in Space I’m sort of an outlaw and I steal things a lot but this is my place of zen and peace and I can’t—”

Cassie stared at him in complete shock before slowly raising her phone and starting a video call. “Uh… Dad?”

“Wait—you’re putting them in the cart?! Why are you doing that?!”

“Dad, I’m kind of at a loss, here.” She flipped the camera to show Quill frantically replacing the chips on their shelves, muttering about how nothing was the same and basically having a meltdown in the chips aisle.

Scott cackled until he wheezed, tears falling from his eyes. “Put him on,” he gasped. When Quill was holding the phone, wide-eyed and traumatized, Scott gave him his best, most patient smile. “Alright, let me have it.”

“Why is the corn blue?” Quill muttered. “I just—I grew up on a farm, okay? I mean, only for a few years but still!  _ Blue _ corn? Is this why everyone hates GMOs or whatever?  _ How is it blue?! _ Scotty!”

“Aww baby,” Scott grinned. “Corn comes in so many different kinds and colors! It’s been that way since way before you were even thought of! Have Cass tell you about it, that’s what her project is on.”

Quill huffed. “Well that doesn’t make any sense,” he griped. “Just like white strawberries.”

“I love you, you moron. Put Cass’s blue tortilla chips back in the cart and calm down.”

“Fine but I’m not letting her eat them.” He handed the phone back to Cassie. 

“You could have warned me, dad.”

Scott’s eyes sparkled. “Love you, princess. Hey did you find the purple popcorn too?” He hung up with a wink as Quill’s face went completely ashen.

“P-purple?  _ Why purple?!” _

“UUUGGHHH!” Cassie screeched at her now-blank screen, “I swear I’ll get you for this, Dad! I’m gonna steal your suit regulator and you’ll be ant-sized forever!”


	4. nut milk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> quill discovers the health food store

Unbeknownst to Quill and Scott, Cassie ranted about the incident with the entire Avengers, so now all of them were in on the travesties of Quill’s grocery adventures.

When Stephen, of all people, asked for his help shopping for food in the Sanctum, no one was suspicious except for Tony, who wondered when Stephen had become incapable of portaling groceries. One look at the trembling in his scarred hands, though, made Quill squash any of his internal panic with some measure of violence. Clearly, Stephen would need help picking up things and dealing with the freezer and produce sections. Quill was not going to turn him down.

They used a portal to get to the store, and Quill was equally relieved and confused to find that it was not the nightmare hell of a grocery store the Avengers normally frequented; instead, it was a store called “Organic Natural Health Food”. They walked in and Quill immediately noted the insanely high produce prices. “Geez, are these fucking peaches made of gold or something?” 

“Truly ridiculous, I agree, but worth it.” They quickly made their way through the produce section. “I suppose it’s a good thing my husband is a billionaire.”

“You could just buy the store. Hey, what’s this?”

“Sesame candy.”

“Like the sesame people put on bagels?”

Stephen snorted. “Would you like to try some?”

Quill shrugged and Stephen tossed a few bars into the cart. They picked up all kinds of things inside there—organic vegetables, all manner of leaves and things for Wong’s special blends of teas, antibiotic-free, naturally raised meats, and vegan substitutions. Then they got to the dairy section and Stephen immediately started laughing because Quill’s breaths started to come short.

The display held exactly 1 rack of organic cows milk, one rack of lactose-intolerance milk, and about 8 racks of every kind of milk substitute known to man: rice and soy and “100% carrageenan-free!” almond milk and even things like cashew milk and coconut milk. There was even chocolate almond milk and strawberry coconut milk, and different kinds that were mixed together: cashew-almond milk and coconut-cashew milk and almond-soy milk. There were even almond milk coffee creamers and coconut milk half-and-half substitutes.

“Stephen?” Quill wheezed.

“Yes?” Stephen smothered a laugh.

“Why is this milk simultaneously made of cashews  _ and  _ coconuts? Why is there so much nut milk? I…”

“I have a question because I think anyone would he curious—two questions. First, I am not sure if you noticed, but this isn’t a normal store with normal products in it—why is it the  _ milk _ that got you? And second—”

“ _ Becausemilkisnotsupposedtocomefromcashewsitissupposedtocomefromcows _ ! Am I in an Earth in an alternate reality?” Quill asked plaintively.

Stephen patted his back. “Let’s check out, okay?”

Quill followed along, depressed. “Am I ever gonna get used to things here? H-how—everything is different and I can’t do this. What if I never adjust and Scotty hates me? I don’t think I could—”

“I’m gonna stop you right there,” Stephen cut him off, no longer amused. “Put the things on the belt. Look, Scott lit up when he met you. He was always just waiting for his life to start, and it didn’t until he met you. I swear, he doesn’t just love you. He needs you. To be honest, so far he finds this funny.”

“But…”

“But nothing, stop it. Scott loves you. He’s not going to suddenly dump you because you don’t understand groceries anymore.”

“Do people actually drink almonds now?”

Stephen hid his smile behind his hand, now gloved. “No, Quill. They press the almonds in an extractor and then reconstitute it with other natural ingredients and some water to make milk.”

“Oh. That… makes sense. I feel stupid.”

Stephen patted his back again. “Don’t. I promise we all just think it’s cute.”

“Oh, well that’s—wait, what do you mean we?!”

Stephen portaled himself and his groceries away without answering. Before Quill could start cursing and calling for a ride, Quill fell through the ground and onto the couch across from Scott, three sesame candy cars landing next to him.

Scott grinned. “Welcome home?”

Quill didn’t answer, but he scooted himself off the couch and over until he was in front of Scott on his knees. Then he leaned up and pressed a hard kiss to the other man’s lips and then sucked a hickey onto his neck.

Scott sighed and moaned happily and then held his boyfriend close. “Bad time at the store, baby?”

“Maybe,” Quill gruffed, moving to the other side of his neck.

“Fuck,” Scott hissed when Quill’s teeth sunk into the little bit of skin between them. 

“Are you gonna love me if I never get used to grocery shopping?”

Scott pulled away from him meeting his eyes and scowling. “What’s this about?”

“Nothing,” Quill said, internally purring at how Scott’s hackles rose. Everyone always saw Quill’s possessiveness and protection, but Scott’s defensiveness when it came to the space pirate was just as spectacular.

“What happened?! What’d Stephen say—”

“That you’re not gonna dump me because I don’t understand groceries.”

“Oh. Well then why are you sad? Quill what’s wrong?”

“I’m afraid that I won’t adjust here and that eventually, it’ll ruin us.”

“First, I’d follow you anywhere in the universe but won’t be necessary because second, this was your home before space was. And it’s your home now because I’m yours. You already adjusted to me, right?”

Quill nuzzled his neck. “I don’t wanna live without you.”

“Well then we’ll figure out all the other stuff together. Okay?”

“Okay,” Quill mumbled after a long moment.

“Okay. Now carry me to bed and make love to me.”

Quill couldn’t help his chuckle as his mood finally lifted. He did exactly as he was told.


	5. golden kiwis and blood oranges

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> fruit salad becomes a little too colorful.

The Avengers obviously hated him, there was no other explanation. One day, Cap was cooking a recipe that involved red bananas. Peter, the little shit, regularly hung upside down from the ceiling while eating oddly-flavored Pop Tarts, which normally belonged to Thor. Another day, Natasha Romanoff, who was not to be fucked with ever, flounced by him while eating pumpkin-spice-flavored Oreos. Each time, FRIDAY, the traitor, took pictures and videos of his facial expression and sent them to all the other Avengers.

He thought he hit his limit when he saw Stephen drinking  _ white tea, _ whatever the  _ fuck _ that was, but no, he absolutely hit his limit when his fucking fruit turned out to be the wrong color...  _ again. _

It happened because Scott’s blood sugar was low, as it always was after an exhausting mission that involved shrinking or growing into a giant. It was becoming a post-mission ritual for Quill to make a fruit salad for them to eat before they fucked each other into the oblivion of sleep.

Quill, looking forward to the fucking part, quickly washed and quartered strawberries and then sliced bananas, mixing them into a bowl with a touch of lemon juice, which Scott said would keep the bananas from turning brown. Apples followed, and then he started peeling kiwis. 

Except… except the inside of then were yellow? Confused, he took a slow breath and asked, “FRIDAY?”

“Hello, Porcupine.”

“Are you ever gonna change my designation?” he grumbled.

“Perhaps one day, Boss will allow me to call you Peter instead.”

Quill’s nose scrunched. “No thanks.”

“What can I help you with?”

“Were these kiwis too under-ripe or something?”

“They seem to be at peak ripeness.”

“W-well why are they yellow?!”

“Golden Kiwifruit,  _ actinida chinesis _ , are typically grown and imported from New Zealand although they originally hail from Asia.”

“So this is normal?!”

“Try not to worry, Porcupine. Thumbelina would not have chosen these fruits if they were not fit for consumption. You might find that you enjoy them as well as the blood oranges.”

Quill felt his fingers shake, and he wisely set his knife down to stare at the basket of oranges sitting innocuously on the counter. Feeling his sweat pouring and his breaths catching, he asked, “why are they called blood oranges?!”

“Because they are red inside, Porcupine.”

Scott jumped awake from a light, dozing nap when he heard Quill screech at the top of his lungs, “ORANGES ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ORANGE, NOT RED!!!” and fell off the couch, cackling.

“Daddy?” he chuckled.

“What?” Quill grumbled.

“You okay?”

“No. Your oranges are bleeding.”

Scott grinned. “It’ll be alright, you’ll see. Normally people buy these for like juice and sweets and salad dressings and stuff, but actually, they are really good just like this. Want to try?”

Quill huffed. “Fine.”

“I still love you, you know,” Scott reminded.

“Yeah, yeah. Hurry up and eat so we can go to bed.”


	6. bonus round- what happened last time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the shower is a dangerous place for fun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SMUT alert whoop whoop! This chapter is rated M for failed shower sex. Reader Discretion Advised.
> 
> If you want a summary of what happened, feel free to find me in discord’s  Antlord server  or leave me a note in the comments.
> 
> roll clip!

**Bonus Round- what happened last time**

_ “Okay. How about you shower with me and have your way with me, but then we both go to the grocery store together?” _

_ “Deal.” _

_ “Leave the lube! Do you remember what happened last time?” _

* * *

Quill was  _ horny.  _

Scott had left the tower that morning in a three-piece power suit to make some presentation, a pitch to a rather-large company to hire his firm to secure their building and data. He looked every inch the Tony Stark of the security industry. He’s been working on this design and pitch for more than a month now and he’d been charming and confident as he walked out, leaving Quill uncomfortably hard.

It’d been hours. He’d ended up taking care of himself  _ twice _ but it was for nought. By the time Scott texted that he was on his way home, Quill was ready to shred that goddamn suit with his bare hands.

And then he walked in the door. And he’d shed his jacket and tie, leaving his waist-vest-jacket whatever-the-fuck and his top button undone and his sleeves rolled up, displaying lean-but-muscled forearms and the pale skin of his throat. He smiled tiredly. “Hey,” he said quietly.

“Did you get it?” Quill managed.

Scott’s smile was brilliant. “Yeah, we signed an agreement today and they’re gonna look over the contract and get back to us in a week to finesse the details.”

“Fuck, that’s so good, baby. You worked so hard on this and you look so fucking hot—oh my God, please let me get you out of that suit.”

Scott grinned. “Thanks, Daddy. You can’t get me out of the suit unless I can shower, though. I am unnaturally sweaty. I was so nervous—”

“You can shower after,” Quill whined.

“How about you come with me in the shower?”

“Thank fuck,” Quill moaned as he pounced. The vesty-waistcoat thingy went flying toward the couch but ended up sliding between it and the wall, and the shirt would have to get some of the buttons sewn back on, but that was fine. As soon as they were naked, Quill was pulling him into the shower and shoving him against the wall.

“Wait,” Scott gasped, “we need—lube.”

Quill growled but retrieved the lube before returning to the shower, immediately attaching his lips to Scott’s skin and tasting the water on him. He was fucking tasty.

Quill fumbled with the lube and the fucking cover chose that moment to do the absolute most. Scott was whining for his cock, which was leaking, and he was starting to get frustrated. In a display of strength that made Scott whimper with need, he ripped the fucking cover off entirely and slicked his fingers and his cock, throwing the bottle somewhere in the corner of the shower

Scott moaned when Quill’s fingers started working him open. “God—Daddy, please—”

“I’m here, Sugar. Daddy’s gonna make sure you feel so good, baby.”

What neither noticed was that the tube of lubricant was top was broken and it was leaking onto the shower floor, and it was not water-based lube and it was not dissolving and going down the drain. 

When Quill moved his foot to lift Scott into his arms with the intention of taking him against the shower wall, his foot slipped. before he could fully let out a gasp, he slipped, taking Scott down with him. 

Scott yelped, his wrist stinging as he landed on top of Quill, his arm reaching out to break his fall. Startled, Quill’s hands frantically searched Scott for injury. “Shit. Shit! Scotty? You okay, baby?”

Scott’s eyebrows furrowed a little bit in confusion. “I… what just happened? My wrist hurts. Did you just slip?”

Quill’s cheeks burned. “Yeah,” he muttered.

And then Scott’s forehead landed on his shoulder and then he started cackling. “I fucking love you,” he wheezed.

Quill sighed, the mood mostly ruined. “Yeah, yeah. I love you too. Up you get, we have to get your wrist checked.”

**~**

Stephen wrapped gauze around Scott’s wrist and hand and then gently braced it, all in complete silence. Scott’s cheeks were bright red and Quill looked everywhere except for at Stephen. It was a hairline fracture and would take a few weeks to heal completely. 

“Ice on and off for the next 48 hours, 20 minutes every couple to four hours. I can write you a script for the pain and swelling. Obviously, no strenuous lifting or activity—” Stephen said the last word with absolutely no inflection, and Scott’s ears burned—“for at least six weeks.”

Scott pouted. 

Stephen rolled his eyes. “Maybe instead of attempting to die during sex you should consider resting and getting ready for your big job. Now get out.”

“Thanks,” someone muttered but Stephen didn’t catch which one spoke. He rolled his eyes again. 


	7. honorable mention: psl- pumpkin spice list

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tis the goddamned season

**honorable mention - psl— pumpkin spice list**

“Dad! Wait! can you buy the Starbucks PSL Kcups? please?! pretty please?!”

Quill stared at Cassie in complete confusion. “What language was that?”

Scott snorted. “Teenaged-Daughter-ese.”

“Clearly.”

“Alright—text me if you think of anything else.”

They got to the car and Scott automatically handed Quill his phone—this after one night of disaster documentary marathoning revealed to Quill that distraction and phone use were a primary reason for severe and fatal car wrecks. Over-protective as he was, he started overdoing it with car safety. Every time Scott got in the car, he made him check mirrors, pick the music, double check his seatbelt, and even check the tires and fluids on the car before he got in the car. That went on for like a week before Scott put his foot down. “I’m not going to die because I didn’t check the oil,” he said. “Or the radio station, or the fucking seat belt lock! Quill, baby, I love you for taking care of me but you’re going overboard again.”

But he liked the idea of handing over his phone, and it was a good example for Cassie to follow. So they compromised. Quill took Scott’s phone while Scott drove. He also stopped insisting on the less-necessary things, although he did still surreptitiously check the outside of the car himself from time to time. 

Quill was reading Cassie’s texts to him out loud. “Pumpkin cheesecake ice cream? Sounds awesome.”

Scott hummed his agreement as he made a left turn. This was not going to end well. 

“...Pumpkin spice flavored popcorn topping? That… sounds disgusting. Pumpkin pie candles, too.”

“Tis the season,” Scott said with a chuckle.”

“I’m… a bit confused.”

“Cassie’s favorite season is fall. Something about weather and fall aesthetics. Apparently, pumpkin everything is part of the latter.”

As they finally parked and entered the supermarket, Quill was still puzzled as he read off Cassie’s list. “I understand pumpkin seed muffins and bagels and stuff, but pumpkin spice hot chocolate?!” A little traumatized, Quill timidly asked, “Are we gonna find pumpkin milk here too?”

Scott’s nose scrunched. “God? I hope not.”

The coffee aisle was full of most of Cassie’s items so they went there first. Quill looked like he was walking into a room full of tripwires and booby traps instead of a breakfast drink section. He tried not to touch or browse too much, and kept mostly to the phone. 

It was all to no avail. When he glanced into the cart as on their way to buy cereal, he screeched, scaring the hell out of Scott and a couple of other shoppers. “S-salted? WHO THE HELL PUTS SALT IN CARAMEL?!”

Scott tried, he really did, but he couldn’t keep from laughing until he was wheezing.


	8. honorable mention: the one time everyone was on Quill’s side, for a change.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are certain things that just should not be made into burgers.
> 
> OR:
> 
> top 5 reasons Quill hates the grocery store and the one new reason Quill hates the food court.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> consider this a prequel to the chapter where Quill goes w Stephen to the health food store. it takes place before stephen and tony are married too, so... 
> 
> also, special thanks to [Elisa Phoenix](%E2%80%9C) and [ AzrielWinchester ](%E2%80%9C) because this is mostly their headcannon and I’m just stealing it. <3 you guys!
> 
> roll clip!

The mall was crowded and raucous, people rushing everywhere, their bags slamming into random children’s faces as they scrambled past. 

Quill, Scott, Cassie, Tony, Steve, and Natasha had split up to buy presents but agreed to meet in the food court at a certain time. The food court was obviously full too, so Cassie, Scott, and Quill went ahead of everyone and pushed two tables together so everyone could fit and store their bags.

Everyone arrived within a few minutes and dropped off their bags, Cassie excitedly pulling Natasha’s hand and pointing. “Let’s go to _ David’s Health Cafe.” _

Scott wrinkled his nose. “I’m not gonna argue with my kid wanting to eat vegetables but Quill and I are gonna go to _ Charlie’s _.”

“Same. I want _ Burger King _. Steve?”

“I think I’ll pick up a menu from the ladies’ choice.”

“Once a grandpa, always a grandpa.”

Everyone laughed as they went their separate ways. Quill happily buried his nose in Scott’s neck and tucked him against him while they waited in line, and Scott smiled as he felt the noise around them filter into distant background noise, shivering as Quill’s breaths tickled across his skin. “Love you,” he whispered.

“Love you too, Sugar.”

When they ordered, they were still bundled together, but Quill’s order came out first, so he took his food along with both drinks and all their utensils and napkins to the table.

By the time Scott got to the table, Quill’s demeanor had changed from happy to stressed. Scott recognized the way Quill was yanking his fingers through his hair. _Oh, here we go, _Scott thought to himself as he sat down.

“...sure that’s safe?” Quill was asking, his voice high and layered with panic.

“Of course it’s safe,” Natasha answered, rolling her eyes and adding condiments to her food—ketchup for her sweet potato fries and salt and garlic powder for her steamed vegetables.

Scott was already suppressing chuckles. “Quill? What’s wrong?”

Quill turned to him, his eyes so wide Scott thought they looked like they were taped open. “Did you know there was such thing as a tofu burger?”

Scott wrinkled his nose again. “Sure I did. Doesn’t mean I want to eat it.”

“I still say that that’s not a burger. It’s a cheap and flavorless imitation.” Tony chomped into his _ double Whopper with cheese _ as if to prove his point.

“Scotty, don’t let her eat it,” Quill pleaded.

Scott snorted. “Why? If she wants to abuse her taste buds with so-called health food, that’s not my problem.”

“It tastes fine. You guys are giant man-babies, all of you.”

”What she said,” Natasha snorted.

“ANYWAY,” Tony interrupted, sensing Quill’s stress, “I bought the thing. Don’t tell anyone.”

“He said, right after telling everyone.”

“HEY! It’s a secret.”

Everyone laughed and Quill released some of the tension he felt. “Congratulations,” he said quietly. “I’m sure Stephen will love it.”

”Well, I just hope he says yes.”

“I have the menu,” Steve said, and Quill’s anxiety spiked right back up. “I decided against anything in there. Say, have any of you guys eaten at that _ Sarku Japan _ place?” 

Cassie shrugged. “It’s alright.”

“Let me see that menu!” Quill snatched it out of Steve’s hand and read it, suddenly ashen. “Oh God, they put tofu in everything. Scotty _ why is there tofu in everything? _!”

Steve frowned. “I wondered that too, to be honest.”

_ “This isn’t normal—” _

“Aww—Quill come on, let the girls enjoy their weird burgers.”

“No. Nonono, I’m nor wrong, Scotty! Even Steve and Tony agree with me!”

Across from him, Cassie was trying desperately not to choke on her drink she was laughing so hard. Natasha wasn’t faring much better.

“You guys are assholes,” Quill muttered, feeling a little out of place. “It’s not funny, it’s gross! I don’t know how you… I…” his eyes caught the last item on the menu, under the header called _ desserts. _

“Scotty?” he whimpered. “It’s_ —whyistheretofuicecream?!” _


	9. honorable mention: the ladies’ aisle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Quill got a hella education this day...

**CL**

**Cassie Lang**

**“kid”**

Papa?

Hey, kid everything okay?

no, i’m gonna die

what? why wya

the bathroom

oh god. should I call 

scotty?

no… but can you do me a favor?

sure ofc

can you go to the grocery store?

what? why 

i need these [organictampons.jpg] [alwaysinfinityovernight.jpg]

Cass this is way out of

my realm of expertise

please! just match the boxes. and

buy me a heating pad?

fine. but don't be mad

if I screw it up

i love you papa

love you too kid

* * *

That was how Quill found himself standing in front of a wall of frankly horrifying boxes and purple and pink shrink wraps of _ Now, longer lasting! _ and _ waste-reducing wrapping! _ and _ BUY TWO GET ONE FREE! _feminine products. 

“Oh god. Fucking hell, what did I get myself into?”

Thankfully, a stock girl overheard his <strike> external </strike> internal panic and walked over to him. 

“Need some help?” she asked, a little too nicely. Quill imagined that any guy caught dead in this aisle was husband material because no one else would dare. “Most girls have go-to products. Did your wife tell you which ones she uses?”

Great. Either she was confirming his suspicion that only husband or really whipped boyfriends ever came in here, or she was checking that he was single.

He decided to be safe. “Boyfriend’s daughter,” he muttered. “She sent me these pictures.”

The girl’s smile didn’t change, but her voice was less animated. “Oh, well… if I could see them I could tell you.”

Quill showed her and she lead him over to the boxes of tampons, picking up a white and green box and dropping it into his basket. She also went over and picked up a bluish purple box with orange trim. Quill read the tampon box with some measure of horror. “_ Now with easy-insertion applicator?! _What the fuck insertion or application?!”

The girl looked at him like he was crazy and lead him around and added more things to his basket: pain relief, a heat pack, and water bottles all went into his basket. She said, “good luck” and wandered away, going back till her previous task.

Quill regarded the boxes again as they moved on the conveyor belt with some measure of distaste. _ NOW WITH EASY-INSERTION APPLICATOR _ seemed to be attacking him, right along with the words proudly displayed on the blue box, _ PREVENTS LEAKS. _

“Prevents _ leaks?! _” he sputtered. The cashier just threw the offending items in a bag, trying not to make eye-contact. “Oh god, is my kid gonna leak to death?”

When he got back to the tower, Stephen was already tucked onto a couch and sipping tea, casually turning a page of the book he was reading. “You’re back.”

“Uh… Cass?”

“Asleep. When I got here she said she’d sent you to the store over two hours ago.”

Quill turned bright red. “I’m sorry,” he muttered. “N-nothing matched the pictures and there were insertion things and leaking and—god, what the fuck do they have to insert?!” Quill shuddered violently. “What exactly is happening here? Cassie isn’t gonna leak to death is she?”

Stephen belly-laughed, marking his page and standing to top off his tea and pour quill a mug. “Sometimes I forget you never had this talk.” Stephen motions him to the barstool next to his. “Women of earth—Terrans, as you call us—Terran women go through fertility cycles that last about four to five weeks. If a woman becomes pregnant, that’s the end of that. If not, they begin menstruation. You know _ that _ much, right?”

Quill nodded. “What does that have to do with the leaks and inserting things and… and _ why _ did one of the boxes I saw at the store say it was _ reusable _?!”

Stephen shrugged. “There are lots of things to help women deal with menstruation. What you’re talking about probably isn't a disposable tampon, it’s probably more along the lines of a menstrual cup. Those just have to be washed and stored between uses. It’s not that new. Thousands and even hundreds of years ago, women didn't have disposable products at all.”

“How do _ you _ know all this stuff?”

“Gynecology and Obstetrics rotation. Before becoming a fancy neurosurgeon, they put me through all my paces. Learned how to deliver babies, check for feminine cancers or other diseases, _ treat _ them. Pelvic exams with women on their periods isn’t really any different than women without it. Except I used more gloves, probably. Women use all kinds of things to deal with their periods. Saw everything from pads to cups to awkwardly placed paper towels.”

“Eww.”

Strohen shrugged. “Yes, tampons and the like have to be inserted in the vaginal canal to work properly. No, it isn't dangerous and Cassie isn’t going to die or something. Well, tampons come with risks but if used and removed properly, those risks are miniscule.”

Relieved but disgusted, Quill nodded. “So she’s… okay?”

“Well, she’s most likely not pregnant.” Quill choked on his tea and stephen laughed. “She’s fine. You did fine.”

“She's not gonna _ leak _or whatever?”

Stephen snorted. “That just means that whatever products she uses wont allow the stuff to get everywhere. And trust me, it can easily.” Stephen finished his rea and stood. “Thanks, though. For trying to understand and help Cassie.”

“Of course. She’s Scotty’s everything, she has to be okay.”

“No. I mean, a lot of women I met in the OBGYN rotation often felt scared or uncomfortable trying to express what they were going through. It’s difficult for them to open up about it and sometimes they feel like society and men in particular tabooed it and don’t want to hear about it.”

“S-So it’s not weird that I’m freaking out about it or asking questions?”

“Quill, you freak out about everything. And the questions just mean you care.”

Quill felt marginally appeased. He was still never going in the tampon aisle again. He still had one more question, though. “Wait—when did you get here?! Did you buy her the stuff?”

“Yes, I did.”

“But I thought you were in another dimension!”

“I was,” Stephen said dryly. “Have you ever _ been _ in New Jersey?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this as crack kinda but also a psa based on a conversation I had recently and then a headcannon with my homegirl ElisaPhoenix, who always has the best antlord crack content.
> 
> hey girls, your doctor is used to your unshaved legs and hairy vagina and whatever else. trust me, they’ve seen it all. they aren't grossed out or judging you or anything like that.  
if you don't talk to them honestly, they can’t help you. talk about your period. get your pap smears on time. ask your GYN how to check your boobs. dont be ashamed of your body. shame leads to lack of information, and lack of information is lack of freedom and choices about your body that could save your life down the line.
> 
> anyway, thats my incredibly awkward soapbox of the week, as you were! love you!
> 
> <3Daisy


End file.
